This weekend was definitely not my favorite. Friday started out feeling a little off, probably because I knew what was coming later that night: the viewing for one of the sweetest men that I've ever known, a man who taught at Jordan Hills for the entire eight years that I have been there, and even longer before that. He had Lou Gehrig's Disease, but also had one of the best attitudes ever about life and the struggles that it throws at you.
Anyway, I was really distracted and not quite myself all day long on Friday. Misplaced things, didn't have assignments ready for my class of kids, etc. I was just "off." I left early from my prep time after school, because I could already tell that I was not being productive at all.
Went to my mom's to pick up my kids and asked Hayley how kindergarten was, and she proceeded to tell me that she didn't have anyone to play with at recess, and that this has been the case on more days than one. I reminded her that she needed to ask others to play too, and that everyone was still making new friends, but I couldn't help but have that nagging feeling of, "Maybe I should have put her in the neighborhood school instead of taking her to school with me... Maybe she would have been happier there... Maybe I should have chosen to teach a different track so that she would be in a class with different kids than she is now..." Anyway, I shook myself out of that pity party, and realized that this was the first time in four weeks of kindergarten that she has not been mostly positive about her day. (Okay, maybe second, but the other day it was because she had gotten scolded for not following directions, and it was totally her fault...)
Next up: a sobfest with a dear friend who I am very close to, about death and how much it sucks. I'll remind you I haven't even made it to the viewing yet.
I think part of my "off-ish-ness" is that I hate viewings and funerals. I've been lucky not to have attended too many, but man the one on Friday sucked. It was more upbeat than I expected, yet somehow that just made it worse for me. Probably because I knew that that is how C.P. would have wanted it, so it reminded me of him, and then I remembered all over again that he was no longer with us. I miss that man. I had to sit in my car for a few minutes just to calm down enough to drive home.
When I got home, Hayley told me about a birthday party in our neighborhood that she was not invited to. I explained to her that the girl it was for is quite a bit older than her, and sometimes that happens. Hayley seemed okay...
...Until the very next day it happened again. This time the party was for friends that she does play with occasionally, and many of the other neighborhood kids were invited. She found out because she went over there to ask if they could play, and then realized the party was going on right then. She came home crying and said, "Mom, I don't feel so good. I feel so sad inside." Man, so did I. I can't even tell you how much I wanted to take that pain away from my child. To take her mind off of it we went swimming, and then came home and called another friend from a different neighborhood who came over for a playdate.
In retrospect, it's probably a good thing I was busy doing something slightly less depressing Saturday morning, instead of going to the funeral. I'm pretty sure I would have spent more time crying in my bathroom with the door locked than the ten minutes I actually did.
Hayley got over it, but my heart is still hurting a little. All the crap I was dealing with I could take, but having my child be hurting and having there be not much I could do about it was just awful. I suppose this is what they mean when they say parenting actually doesn't get any easier as kids get older. I guess I should have expected that, since life in general doesn't get any easier as you get older either. It's just the same challenges in different ways, and every so often you get a curveball, just to make sure you're paying attention.
Anyway, I was really distracted and not quite myself all day long on Friday. Misplaced things, didn't have assignments ready for my class of kids, etc. I was just "off." I left early from my prep time after school, because I could already tell that I was not being productive at all.
Went to my mom's to pick up my kids and asked Hayley how kindergarten was, and she proceeded to tell me that she didn't have anyone to play with at recess, and that this has been the case on more days than one. I reminded her that she needed to ask others to play too, and that everyone was still making new friends, but I couldn't help but have that nagging feeling of, "Maybe I should have put her in the neighborhood school instead of taking her to school with me... Maybe she would have been happier there... Maybe I should have chosen to teach a different track so that she would be in a class with different kids than she is now..." Anyway, I shook myself out of that pity party, and realized that this was the first time in four weeks of kindergarten that she has not been mostly positive about her day. (Okay, maybe second, but the other day it was because she had gotten scolded for not following directions, and it was totally her fault...)
Next up: a sobfest with a dear friend who I am very close to, about death and how much it sucks. I'll remind you I haven't even made it to the viewing yet.
I think part of my "off-ish-ness" is that I hate viewings and funerals. I've been lucky not to have attended too many, but man the one on Friday sucked. It was more upbeat than I expected, yet somehow that just made it worse for me. Probably because I knew that that is how C.P. would have wanted it, so it reminded me of him, and then I remembered all over again that he was no longer with us. I miss that man. I had to sit in my car for a few minutes just to calm down enough to drive home.
When I got home, Hayley told me about a birthday party in our neighborhood that she was not invited to. I explained to her that the girl it was for is quite a bit older than her, and sometimes that happens. Hayley seemed okay...
...Until the very next day it happened again. This time the party was for friends that she does play with occasionally, and many of the other neighborhood kids were invited. She found out because she went over there to ask if they could play, and then realized the party was going on right then. She came home crying and said, "Mom, I don't feel so good. I feel so sad inside." Man, so did I. I can't even tell you how much I wanted to take that pain away from my child. To take her mind off of it we went swimming, and then came home and called another friend from a different neighborhood who came over for a playdate.
In retrospect, it's probably a good thing I was busy doing something slightly less depressing Saturday morning, instead of going to the funeral. I'm pretty sure I would have spent more time crying in my bathroom with the door locked than the ten minutes I actually did.
Hayley got over it, but my heart is still hurting a little. All the crap I was dealing with I could take, but having my child be hurting and having there be not much I could do about it was just awful. I suppose this is what they mean when they say parenting actually doesn't get any easier as kids get older. I guess I should have expected that, since life in general doesn't get any easier as you get older either. It's just the same challenges in different ways, and every so often you get a curveball, just to make sure you're paying attention.
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Oh Heather. I'm sorry about all of it! So hard! I've been there with you on the pain that happens when your childs feelings have been so hurt and their little heart broken. Worst feeling ever to not to be able to fix it. Here is hoping for a much better week for you and Hayley!
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